Fear

I’m using today’s blog as a journal entry because I need to release this fear out of my body, my mind, and my spirit.

Do you have fears?

Real fears.

The kind that quietly follow you your entire life.

The kind that stop you from becoming who you were truly meant to be.

Because I do.

Right now, I am at a point in my life where I feel called to fully devote myself to my purpose.

And honestly?

Every single time I got close to that door… the door where I needed to finally let go, trust myself, trust God, and jump into the unknown…

Fear won.

Every time.

I would retreat.

Overthink.

Doubt myself.

Convince myself I wasn’t ready.

But this time feels different.

And the reason why is simple:

God.

Now, some people reading this may not believe in God or in a higher power, and that’s okay.

But I cannot stress this enough:

God has completely transformed my life.

My whole life, I always believed in God in the “traditional” way most people do.

I would pray the same prayers repeatedly, sometimes out of habit more than connection.

When life got hard, I would pray desperately for help.

And once things got better?

I would slowly drift away again.

I was living on autopilot spiritually.

My parents were never deeply religious. They came from families involved in spiritualism, and because of that, I was exposed to many things as a child that honestly left fear deeply rooted inside of me.

I remember seeing my grandmother being possessed by spirits.

I remember hearing terrifying stories about ghosts and spiritual experiences that would keep me awake at night.

I even believed I was seeing spirits myself as a child.

And because that environment was normalized around me, fear became normal too.

Looking back now, I can finally understand where so much of my anxiety and fear came from.

But when we moved to Canada, all of that slowly stopped.

My surroundings changed.

Although my parents still believed in spiritualism, it was no longer something practiced the same way here.

So I grew up knowing about God…

But never truly knowing Him.

And now, in retrospect, I can finally see how God was working in my life all along.

Even during the hardest seasons.

Even when I couldn’t feel Him.

I truly believe I needed to go through heartbreak, emotional pain, becoming a single mother, psychological abuse, and moments of complete exhaustion in order to finally wake up and realize:

God had been beside me the entire time.

I just needed to open my heart and allow Him in.

Today, it has been over six months since I started consistently going to church, reading the Bible, joining Bible study groups, and intentionally building my relationship with God.

And for the first time in my life…

I finally feel ready to take the leap of faith God has patiently been waiting for me to take.

Since giving my life to God more intentionally, I have felt a peace I cannot fully explain.

My parenting has changed.

I respond to my children with more patience, more softness, more love.

And somehow, they are changing too.

I truly believe they feel God’s presence in our home.

Our communication has become more open, more honest, more loving.

And little by little… miracles have been unfolding in my life.

Not because life suddenly became perfect.

But because I no longer feel alone while living it.

Since allowing Jesus into my heart, I no longer feel like I make decisions entirely on my own.

I pray first.

I seek guidance first.

And somehow, even in uncertainty, I feel safer than ever before.

I now speak to God daily.

Not through memorized prayers…

But through real conversations.

I also listen to teachings online that inspire me deeply, especially from Johnny Chang.

And although reading the Bible can sometimes feel intimidating, one thing I’ve learned is this:

You do not have to do it alone.

There are so many resources available.

Sometimes all it takes is taking the first step.

And honestly… my mother never gave up trying to guide me there.

When she got baptized and became Christian, I remember thinking:

“What’s the point?”

She would talk to me about God constantly.

She bought me multiple Bibles in English and Portuguese.

She downloaded Bible apps for me.

She truly never stopped trying.

And at the time… I didn’t fully understand why.

Then, in 2024, my best friend Sophie passed away.

And I became angry at God.

Deeply angry.

I could not understand it.

She was only 40 years old.

She had two children.

She was loved by everyone.

Why her?

That grief broke something inside of me.

But it also taught me something only time and faith could teach.

Sometimes we do not understand God’s plan while we are living through the pain.

And although losing her devastated all of us… somehow, through that tragedy, her entire family grew closer to God.

Including me.

And today, part of me truly believes that maybe that was part of her mission here on earth.

Fear has followed me my entire life.

Fear of abandonment.

Fear of failure.

Fear of disappointing others.

Fear of judgment.

Fear of rejection.

Fear of not being enough.

Fear of not being loved.

So why am I finally ready now to jump into the unknown?

Because for the first time in my life, I finally understand something powerful:

Fear does not come from God.

Fear comes from the enemy.

Those constant “what ifs”…

Those voices telling me I will fail…

Those thoughts convincing me I am not capable…

They do not belong to God.

Because God is a Father.

And a Father wants the best for His children.

So now, when fear creeps in, I pray.

I open my Bible.

I listen to teachings that strengthen my faith.

I remind myself that I am not fighting this battle alone.

Is it easy?

Absolutely not.

Some days are still incredibly hard.

But today, I know my worth.

I know who I belong to.

I am my Father’s daughter.

And He will NEVER let me down.

So if you are struggling with fear, self-doubt, anxiety, lack of confidence, or feeling lost…

Please know this:

You are not alone.

And maybe the breakthrough you’ve been searching for begins the moment you stop

fighting alone and finally allow God to walk beside you.

And if you ever want to come to church with me one Sunday at Essential Church, message me.

Maybe together, with God leading the way, we can finally let go of that fear.

Because with God… we are so much stronger. 🤍